Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

HR said no more nunchucks.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!