Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”