My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
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why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
#parenting
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
God has abandoned us.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.