Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

I’m having an out of money experience.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.