My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
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Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
A short story of betrayal:
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.