My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
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A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
logging onto twitter…
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
What happened to the other hiker??!
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
oh she’s cooked
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
When you’re here for the treats.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.