My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Every damn time
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
WHY would you be happy about this?
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?