My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
LOL
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.