Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

Florida man

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

A Short Story.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

I hope google does well on my son’s test

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no