My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
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Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead