My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I ate everything, including the H.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.