Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm