My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.