My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀