Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

me refusing to leave twitter

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.