Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.