My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
You Might Also Like
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
$3 #books
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one