My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
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“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.