Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

ㅤ

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

Solving a traffic jam

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.