Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.