Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.