My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Well, this certainly took a turn
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.