My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
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Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
There’s always that one guy
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.