My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
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To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
is this store having a stroke wtf
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.