Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Shoo shoo! 😂

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.