Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?