My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.