Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless