Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.