My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
You Might Also Like
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Revenge served cold
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…