My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?