My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers