My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
You Might Also Like
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Ha.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.