Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.