My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*