Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

I am laughing way too hard at this.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet