Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

bros in the example zone 😭

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠