My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup