Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class