My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
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PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…