My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
My dream car is a taco truck.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.