Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.