My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG