My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
This raises questions
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?