Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?