Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.