My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.