@Parkerlawyer

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

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@Gupton68

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@OnlinePenguin_

me: give that girl over there a drink on me. my usual

bartender: ok [hands her a drink]

her: *giving the glass of milk back to him* no

@notalogin

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

@PeachCoffin

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

@AntozWolf

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

@aneesa_p

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.