me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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Your word is ‘effusive’
That is correct. What was your name?
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
me: give that girl over there a drink on me. my usual
bartender: ok [hands her a drink]
her: *giving the glass of milk back to him* no
Wife: You’re shirtless?
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Vegemite but I really wish a vegewould 😤