My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
*ernest hemingway voice*
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.