My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
