Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the best day of my life

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

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If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

The Others (2001)

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

kids play hide and seek like

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*