Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police