My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
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Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…