My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
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Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.