Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

time machine? you mean a clock?

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

🎵 I can’t wait to

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏