My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
You Might Also Like
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.