My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
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“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
BaD BoY!!
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*