My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers