Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ㅤㅤ

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast