My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Happy Thanksgiving
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.