My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
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If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Phonetics
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I have so many questions.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
he’ll never suspect a thing
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
$4 #usedbooks
