My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
bros in the example zone 😭
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
never deleting this app.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note