Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Time for evil

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.