My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
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Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I hate when that happens.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
We’ve all been there
