My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
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The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
58.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him