My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a âwork meetingâ at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? đ¤
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after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Whoever came up with âthe world is our oysterâ mustâve really been into mucus.
Always rememberâŚ. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as Iâm so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Dance like you didnât file your tax return.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I canât commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-âNo, I donât want to take the stairs again, you psycho.â
Iâve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
âCoffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?â says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
AC changed bail to basil, and now Iâm sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
My coffee maker isnât working and I canât help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldnât drink Cabernet from a Pringleâs can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
âI have a cure for your burning bush.â â Moses hitting on the ladies
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well butâŚ..
Iâm not saying Iâve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell âmom, your Amazon is here.â
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victimâŚ
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: Iâm not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Just tried a kids meal in McDonaldâs. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didnât even tell me what to do with it
RSVP: âŞď¸yes âŞď¸no âŤď¸yes now but then no later on
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but IâŚquit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no youâre staying
May your exâs phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!