Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships