Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

Mornin

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

💁🏻‍♂️

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.