Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

Um … Hot Wings please

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?