Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’