My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
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My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
My what?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?