My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
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CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
congratulations to them
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”