My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
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Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.