Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

This is what makes twitter great

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

accurate

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation