My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
this post was so formative to me
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
