My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Brilliant!
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I put the I in Insufferable.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.