Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder